Danger Zones in the Meiji Era
by Renegader
Summary: Kairee and Spazz appear again -- this time to torment the Rurouni Kenshin gang. A story filled with euphemisms, danger, Danger Zones, Tag body spray, burnt "food", chinchillas, and Sozo Sagara.
1. Chapter 1: I'm in love with a Chinchilla

_**DANGER ZONES**__ IN THE MEIJI ERA_

CHAPTER ONE: I'm in love with a Chinchilla

Kairee sat gloomily on the bank of the river, looking up at the cliff like she wanted to stab it.

"Come on, smell the fresh air! Lighten up!" Spazz said, trying to cheer her up, but Kairee would not be consoled.

"It smells like dead fish," she growled.

"Fine, look at the shining blue water! Isn't it beautiful?"

"It's muddy and brown. The reflection of the sun off it blinds me," Kairee corrected darkly.

Spazz made one last attempt. "Then feel the damn sand between your frickin' toes!!" she fumed.

Kairee shook her head, and swore for a couple minutes in Japanese before replying bitterly, "It's more like dirt, and I _hate_ dirty feet!"

"Why are you so pissy? Are you PMSing?" Spazz demanded haughtily.

"Do you really want to know?" Kairee deadpanned.

"Not really," Spazz said quickly.

"Well," Kairee said with a frustrated sigh, "if you _**really**_ want to know-"

"I DON'T," Spazz interrupted, and was met with a glare from Kairee who continued nonetheless to say, "this is where Sozo died." Kairee sniffed and wiped at one eye.

"Oh…_oh_…_**OH**_…_oooooohhh_…" Spazz realized, finishing darkly with a face. Kairee lapsed back into a comatose state.

"So…" Spazz began slowly as she went back to her cheery ways, "want to go swimming?"

Kairee shot here an exasperated look before chucking a heavy rock the size of a baseball at Spazz's head. It connected with a hollow THUNK and Spazz fell over, clutching her head in pain. She lay twitching for several moments, then stood up despite her probably concussion, which she did not appear to notice.

She glared at Kairee. "That _hurt_," she whined. Kairee ignored her. Spazz looked away with dignity and tried to keep up a haughty manner while shooting furious glances at Kairee, who continued to ignore her entirely. Eventually, Spazz just ended up staring at Kairee.

"Errr…." came a deep voice from directly behind Spazz, scaring her out of her pants.

She turned on Sano angrily, yelling "DON'T _DO_ THAT!!"

Sano blinked in surprise. "Do…what?" he asked, confused.

"Scare me!" Spazz fumed. "I'm the only one who's allowed to scare people, especially me!"

She got all up in his face with the most frightening look imaginable, and added quietly but dangerously, "Do you think I'm scary?"

Sano blanched and took a step back, and Spazz laughed maniacally.

Sano quickly changed the subject. "Who are you and what are you doing here?" he demanded. "Sulking," Kairee muttered. "And I'm watching," Spazz chimed in. Sano stooped before Kairee where she sat, and examined her closely.

"What's your deal?" he asked.

"I'm mourning the loss of my true love," Kairee said morosely.

"More like the _toss_," Spazz said, suppressing a laugh. 'I made a rhyme!' she though gleefully.

Both Sano and Kairee glared at her, yelling, "THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!" They looked at each other, both confused by the other's reaction.

Spazz rolled her eyes. "Yeah, they're the same guy," she muttered.

Kairee frowned and chucked another rock at her, which she dodged, but barely. "What do you mean by that?" Kairee asked, while Sano looked on curiously.

Spazz sighed. "Both of you are PMSing because of Sozo."

"Eh?" Sano looked down at himself, then back at Spazz.

Kairee raised an eyebrow curiously. "What are you saying? That we're both PMSing because of Sozo?"

Sano gave Kairee an odd look. "Uh, yeah. I'm pretty sure that's what she said." Seeing Kairee's clueless expression, Sano changed topics. "So, did you know Captain Sagara, or something?" he inquired.

Kairee visibly drooped. "Alas," she said, bemoaning her fate, "he was my one true love, and I miss him with all my heart." Kairee sniffed.

Spazz sighed heavily, indicating that this was a common occurrence, but offered no more in the way of explanation.

Sanosuke frowned. "If you were _his_ one true love, how come _he_ never mentioned _you_?" he demanded. "I never heard a thing about you."

Kairee turned away, with her nose in the air. "Not that it's any of your business, but he…kinda…only knew me as his pet chinchilla at the time."

Sano gaped at her as Spazz snickered quietly in the background.

"_YOU'RE __**FLUFFY?!?!**__" _he gasped, astonished. "Whenever Captain Sagara talked at _all_, that's what he usually talked about." Sano stopped and looked at her suspiciously. "How come you're not a chinchilla now?" he inquired.

Kairee flushed a little bit, but opened her mouth to explain. "Well, you know how if you're not happy being the gender you are, you can get a sex change? It's kinda like that, only with species."

Sano looked at her blankly. "No…?"

"This is MEIJI ERA JAPAN, Kairee, remember? They don't have sex changes." Spazz reminded Kairee.

"Oh," Kairee said. "Well, for now let's just say I killed myself and was reincarnated like this."

"Oh…kay…" said Sano.

Spazz laughed like a drunkard and fell over, sloshing beer all over herself.

The two innocent bystanders looked down at Spazz.

"Where'd you get that beer?" Sano asked. "I want some…"

Kairee looked at the still-giggling Spazz. "Uh, dude, I think you've had enough…"

Spazz sat up, (or tried to, unsuccessfully) eyes wide. Pulling at her face in horror, she screamed, "_**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!**_"

Spazz was suddenly scared out of her pants as she heard 'no' being screamed back at her, then relaxed when she realized it was an echo.

Sano sighed. "No beer?" he asked sadly.

Spazz shook her head, and Sano sighed again.

Kairee sighed as well. "Beer is good."

"Beer is good, beer is good," Spazz agreed.

"And stuff," Sano added.

Suddenly, Kairee fell over, depressed again. Spazz was exasperated.

"Well, if he means soooo much to you, why don't you just bring him back to life?" she demanded.

Kairee stared at her with an expression of amazement. "Whoa," she said. "Right!"

Sano looked alarmed. "Are you talking about Captain Sagara?"

"Close your eyes for a moment," Spazz recommended, and Sano obliged, to creeped out to refuse. There was the sound of a loud explosion (boom!) and Sano's nose was filled with the dust suddenly dominating the air. He sneezed seven times and wiped his watering eyes, opening them. (Open sesame!) What he saw made him close his eyes again as he choked back tears.

"Am I hallucinating?" he inquired hoarsely.

"No, but there's whitefish blastula in my nose, and it makes me say 'SALSA'!" came Kairee's voice.

"With mangos," added Spazz, making no sense whatsoever.

Suddenly, Sano heard a familiar yell. "DON'T TOUCH MY DANGER ZONE!!" With a strangled cry, Sano opened his eyes and threw himself at his resurrected mentor. Unfortunately, Kairee was currently invading Sozo's DANGER ZONE, so he couldn't sob on Captain Sagara's shoulder like he used to.

Sano stopped his slow-mo running and asked, "Why would you do that?"

Kairee replied, "I dunno what you're talking about, but stay away from _my_ DANGER ZONE. No admittance allowed."

"None?" Spazz inquired dryly.

"Well, only for piñatas. And Sozo." Kairee amended.

Spazz looked at Sano and said, "I dunno, I'd tap that."

Sano looked vaguely confuzzled.

Spazz added, "I'd invert his forbidden pencil."

Kairee said, "I'd let Sozo spike _MY_ lower cotton candy."

Spazz looked at Kairee, a bit affronted. "Well, **I** want to bash his pink wax brontosaurus."

"Well, **I'M** gonna spank HIS hot flounder!!!" Kairee yelled angrily.

Sano and Sozo looked ill. This caught the two girls' attention, and the men shrunk away in fear. Spazz, now holding up a pink wax brontosaurus and a pencil reading 'FORBIDDEN' on the side, asked "What's with you guys?"

"Yeah," said Kairee, brandishing a steaming fish reading 'PROP. Of SOZO' and a bag of cotton candy.

The men looked slightly relieved, but with a downcast to their expressions.

Spazz and Kairee looked at each other. "What did they think we were saying?" they asked each other, then understanding dawned on their features.

"Stupid French tadpoles," Kairee muttered. "I'm gonna haze those wannabe frogs…"

"I'll polish _their _yogurt…" Spazz said menacingly. She looked at Sano. "And you- you can stay away from my DANGER ZONE, unless I instruct you otherwise."

Sano looked puzzled, and Spazz said, "That's right- _that's_ a euphemism."

The four were distracted when they heard a voice yelling, "Sano, Miss Megumi asked that you taste Miss Kaoru's cooking before she tries any of it." They turned to see Kenshin walking towards them.

Upon seeing Sozo, Kairee and Spazz, Kenshin felt the polite urge to introduce himself. "This one is called Himura Kenshin. Who might you be?"

"Well, you see, we have amnesia…" Kairee said apologetically.

Spazz grinned. "For now, we'll just go by Spazz-" Kairee pointed to Spazz- "and Kairee." She pointed to herself.

"Ah, and who are you?" Kenshin asked Sozo.

"Sagara Sozo," he said with a bow. Kenshin's eyes widened dramatically.

"Pleased to make your acquaintance," he choked out in a strangled voice, having heard of the sekihotai and his 'demise', but was too polite to ask.

Turning to all four individuals, Kenshin asked, "Would you like to accompany this one to Miss Kaoru's dojo? I'd be honored if you dined with us."

"I'd be amazed if they survived," Sano muttered.

Sozo looked confused while Spazz cringed. Kairee stared at Sozo, gauging his reaction, then adopted a confused expression as well.

Spazz sighed. "I suppose it would be impolite to decline," she said. "Lead the way, Himura."

**In Town**

"Excuse me for a moment," Kenshin said. "I must pick up my friends Yahiko and Miss Megumi for lunch." He left for a moment, then returned with a young boy and a woman in her twenties.

Spazz and Kairee assessed the pair while Sozo introduced himself and Sano mumbled a 'hello'.

'_The short one reminds me of a cockroach.'_ Kairee thought.

'_Yeah,'_ Spazz thought back. _'And Megumi is a bit insulting, so watch yourself!'_

Returning to the verbal world, the two noticed Sano staring at them with a slightly startled and confused expression. "Hey…Spazz, how did you know my name? At all?"

Spazz looked at him blankly. "What are you talking about?"

"How did you know my name?" he persisted.

"You introduced yourself," Spazz told him.

Sano said, "No I didn't…"

Spazz sighed, frustrated. "Fine. I know you. I know all of you- better than you could possibly imagine."

Sano, Sozo and Kenshin were startled.

"There's a story about you guys. I happen to know it. Your lives have been made into a form of entertainment." Spazz explained.

Suddenly, something dawned on Kairee. "OOH…aren't they from _'Rurouni Kenshin'_?" she asked.

"Heck yes," Spazz replied.

"Right," Sano said slowly, backing away. "Kenshin, I think the amnesiacs are crazy."

Kenshin looked at the two girls. "Well, that doesn't give them lunch," he declared. "Let's at least feed them."

Spazz blanched and stepped backwards. "I'd rather DIE than eat Kaoru's cooking. Eating it would kill me anyway," she added in an undertone.

'_Well, it'll buy us some time before they send us to the loony bin,_' Kairee thought hard at Spazz, who sighed and nodded.

"Lunch please- I need yum-yum in my tum-tum," she said in a dead voice.

Kenshin smiled and beckoned. "This way, please."

Spazz's eyes widened. "I'm sorry, Kenshin. I don't feel that way about you. But if it means that much to you, we _could_ have a pointless one-night stand."

"_**Oro**_?" Kenshin squeaked out, rose red.

Megumi, who had been watching the conversation along with Sozo and Yahiko as if it was a tennis match, laughed lightly. "Aren't they funny?" she smiled. "Follow me, ladies. Kaoru's dojo is this way."

Shrugging, the rest of the entourage trooped after her.

Property of Spazz and Sicko Inc.

Biffing on _The Joy Luck Club _movie

No chinchillas were harmed in the writing of this story

Still Property of Spazz and Sicko Inc.

Beer!!! By Psychostick is the BEST. SONG. EVER.

ZAPs + Twilight by Stephenie Meyer ….

….Always Amusing Euphemism Generator. 'Nuff said.

This was co-written with MarsOutcast- as you might have guessed, I'm Spazz, and she's Kairee. The first sequel to 'I Wanna Be An Oscar Meyar Wiener' and 'Foobaloobayubikaland'.


	2. Chapter 2: TAG, you're it

_**DANGER ZONES**__ IN THE MEIJI ERA_

CHAPTER TWO: TAG, You're IT

Last Time on _**DANGER ZONES**_

Megumi, who had been watching the conversation along with Sozo and Yahiko as if it was a tennis match, laughed lightly. "Aren't they funny?" she smiled. "Follow me, ladies. Kaoru's dojo is this way."

Shrugging, the rest of the entourage trooped after her.

This Time

**At the Kamiya Dojo**

The acrid scent of burning rice reached their noses, and most were hard-pressed not to gag. Kaoru came out of the house, smiling happily. _coughmaniaccough _

"Lunch is ready!" she sang out.

Kenshin sweatdropped. "Why don't we go out to eat?" he suggested, while trying not to breathe.

Kaoru frowned slightly, but then nodded. "Okay," she said, then turned to Yahiko. "There you are!" she scolded. "You were supposed to be here this morning to help out!"

Yahiko scowled. "Aw, shaddup, you ugly. I had to work at the Akabeko this morning."

Kenshin smiled discreetly at Yahiko's red face. "And I'm certain Yahiko was busy helping Tsubame, as well," Kenshin added.

Yahiko scowled and tried to hit Kenshin in the phalange. He missed and hit the wall. "Ouch," he said sadly.

Kenshin turned so that he could introduce the guests. "Miss Kaoru, these two ladies have amnesia, but they go by Kairee and Spazz." The tree nodded ceremoniously at each other. "This is Sagara Sozo, Miss Kaoru."

Kaoru stared at Sozo after shooting a confused look at Sano. "Oh…_oh_…_**OH**_…_oooooohhh…_er, nice to meet you all," Kaoru said.

Sozo bowed. "Likewise. I'm sorry to bother you, but have you seen a chinchilla anywhere around her?"

Kairee perked up and loudly proclaimed, "I LOVE YOU!!!"

Sozo looked at her, askance. "Er…?" he asked.

Kairee looked at him with large, starry eyes. "You would love your chinchilla, even if it changed forms, wouldn't you?" she said hopefully.

Sozo twitched. "Maybe…I don't know…" he said.

Kairee persisted, saying, "You would _always_ love Fluffy, right??"

Sozo's eyes widened. "You!" he demanded, pointing at Kairee. "What have you done with Fluffy!?"

Kairee sniffed and wiped her eyes. "I…_am_ Fluffy," she confessed.

Sozo looked wary. "Right…" he said.

Spazz said, "It's true; I was there. I was _**there**_."

Not sure what to believe, Sozo tested the possibilities. "Catnip?" he asked.

Kairee's eyes became HUGE and she promptly leapt on top of his head.

Testing one more time, he said, "Codeine?" and Kairee immediately fell to sleep.

Sozo was amazed. "Wow," he said. "It's actually Fluffy!"

Spazz coughed. "Actually, she goes by Kairee now…but hey, don't let me spoil your fun," she smirked.

Megumi stared at them. "She's a chinchilla?" she asked.

"Past tense," Spazz corrected.

"Hmm…" Megumi mumbled. "Interesting…"

Kaoru simply smiled at the happy reunion.

Everyone turned to go back into town towards the Akabeko, but was stopped by muffled sobs.

Yahiko sat on the steps, sobbing about his non-existent love-life.

"Aw, there-there." Spazz patted him on the head. "I think I can solve your problems."

From behind her back she drew a bottle bearing the label 'TAG'. She sprayed it on him until he was drenched and began to cough and choke, but aside from his wheezing, there was no other reaction.

Spazz shook the bottle furiously. "Dammit! Those lying bastards that call themselves the makers of TAG Body Spray just cheated me!" She turned and sprayed Megumi.

Kaoru slowly turned to Megumi. There was a hungry look in her eyes. Megumi screamed and ran, leaving behind a disappointed Kaoru, who promptly gave chase.

Spazz laughed while the others watched in horror. She unscrewed the cap on the TAG bottle and stuffed in various flowers. "Needs jasmine…lavender…" And turned the can on herself.

She sprayed for at least ten straight seconds, then threw them to the side and yelled, "Desire me!!" to the general vicinity.

They did. More, perhaps, than she had wished.

Kenshin, Sanosuke and Sozo looked at her and to walk to her, having a stranger reaction than Kaoru due to the amount of TAG used.

Her smirk faded. "Er…not that much…you guys, you can stop now."

They continued their advance.

"Eh, STAY AWAY FROM MY _**DANGER ZONE**_!!" she cried, spraying Kenshin profusely with the TAG.

Sanosuke looked between Kenshin and Spazz indecisively. "Closer to him," Sano muttered, turning to Kenshin.

Kenshin's eyes widened. "Sano…SANO…_**AHHHHH!!!**_" Kenshin screamed like a little girl and ran for his life (and virginity) while Spazz tossed the TAG bottle over her shoulder.

Kairee was sitting a ways away, debating whether or not to play in the puddle of women-attracting TAG when the bottle of newly-improved TAG landed in her lap. "Ooh…shiny…" she cooed.

Fiddling with the bottle, Kairee suddenly dropped it into the puddle, causing her to be splashed with the old TAG while the new TAG hit the ground and sprayed her as well.

"OW! My EYE!!" she yelled painfully.

Suddenly, all was quiet. Kairee looked up, and became very afraid, seeing the returned Kaoru and Megumi, Sozo, Sano and Kenshin staring at her with wide eyes.

(During all of this, Yahiko was busy crying like an emo in the corner.)

"Uh…hello?" Kairee asked them loudly. "Hey, what's going on?" she inquired as they all began advancing towards her.

"Um…guys…uh-why are you…hey…stay away…GET OFF ME…STAY AWAY FROM MY _**DANGER ZONE**_!!!"

And with that, Kairee took off screaming, everyone else minus Spazz and Yahiko running after her.

"Sweet. They're not after me anymore…hey…" Spazz said as she watched the chase. "This doesn't look too good…" she stated as the predators grew closer to the prey, and began running commentary.

"There she goes now…keep going, that's it- ohh, trips and falls. That's a three-yard gain for the predators. They're gaining, and gaining…maybe I should do something…oh…ooh…AH- I can't watch this."

Spazz shielded her eyes as the psychos caught up with Kairee. Kairee's screams could be heard as she struggled to crawl out from underneath the tackle-pile.

"WATER! MUST-HAVE-WATER-TO-WASH-OFF-SMELL-" Kairee spotted a nearby river. "YES!!" she exclaimed. "But…I don't have a glass…and I'm can't get my feet wet…_NOOOO_!!" she screamed as she was dragged under again.

Spazz sighed, and **POOF**ed Kairee from under the pile into the river, with little plastic baggies keeping her feet dry. Kairee exclaimed in joyous relief and began scrubbing her skin furiously.

No longer having a target, the mob looked around…and then spotted Spazz. With a gleam in their eyes, they ran in her direction.

Spazz twitched. "Dang it…STAY AWAY FROM MY _**DANGER ZONE**_," she yelled, and **POOF**ed into the river along with Kairee.

With no heavily saturated prey left, the mob began attacking each other.

Both girls in the river paled.

"Sano!" Spazz shouted broken-heartedly while Kairee cried, "Sozo! NOOO!!"

Suddenly, Sanosuke and Sozo were both **POOF**ed into the river with the girls. Sozo looked shocked and mildly dazed, while Sano looked dark and emo.

Spazz jumped on Sanosuke, hugging him tightly. "I'm so glad you weren't raped!!" she practically sobbed.

"Um…stay away from my _**DANGER ZONE**_?" Sano wondered.

"NO," Spazz said firmly. Sano looked alarmed for a moment, but then shrugged and got over it.

Megumi, meanwhile, was being attacked by Kaoru again, and Kenshin was walking to the river to get rid of the woman-spray.

Megumi realized where the others had gone, and made a mad-dash to the river, closely tailed by Kaoru. She barely made it.

Kaoru looked about, confused. "Whoa, I had a crazy dream. I thought I loved you, but it was just how you smelled."

They stared at her. "Right, just a dream," Sano said, one eyebrow raised, and muttered, "Crazy," under his breath.

Spazz, still holding him in a death-grip embrace, heard him and grinned. "No me gusta pantalones," she murmured.

Sano looked at her, confused.

"'I don't like pants'," Kairee translated. Spazz nodded in confirmation.

After a few seconds, Kairee burst out laughing. Upon noticing the disturbed looks cast her way, she managed to gasp out, "That's such a frickin' huge lie, you wouldn't even believe it."

Spazz smirked and remained silent as all eyes turned towards her. She motioned towards Kairee. "Ella esta muy loca," she stated.

Kairee abruptly stopped laughing. "I am NOT crazy!!"

Spazz stared at her meaningfully. '_Normally, I like pants. But maybe right now I don't. Maybe right now I don't want him to have pants_.'

Kairee made a disgusted face. "Wait 'til I'm gone, okay?" she said aloud.

"Like I'd want you here, anyway," Spazz sniffed haughtily. "It only requires two."

"GOOD. I DON'T WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN YOUR STUPID FORNICATION- that's WAY in my _**DANGER ZONE**_," Kairee replied snippily.

Everyone else had missed the telepathic communication, so everyone was clueless- except for Kenshin, who knew what fornication meant. (Poor man.)

He blushed furiously, until he grew purple in the face and began to resemble an eggplant. He didn't feel like befriending the eggplant, so he took a deep breath and returned to his normal color.

Spazz and Kairee looked at him, and Spazz blushed even more than he had.

"I know what fornication means," Kenshin said weakly.

Spazz buried her face in her hands, despite the fact that she was still attached to Sano.

Kairee snickered. "_I WANT YOUR BOD_," she announced to the world in a scarily deep voice. She looked at Sozo and winked.

He responded with a slightly panicked look, but was reassured in his heart that his Fluffy would not damage his body or soul. Or mental health.

"It's COLD…" Spazz whined, despite the warmth of Sano. The icy water was making her get even worse convulsions than usual.

"You twitch a lot," Sano noted.

"Must…twitch…high metabolism…MUST-KEEP-MOVING…"

"Try to be still for as long as you can," Sano said, sounding amused.

Spazz stopped moving completely. Her heart even stopped beating. As soon as it happened, it seemed, it was over, and Spazz was twitching again.

"That was hard," she muttered.

"Hum Hallelujah!" Kairee exclaimed. "That's the longest she's ever gone! Without exploding, that is."

"Yeah! I'm getting good!!" Spazz nodded vigorously, then stopped with a triumphant look on her face. "Jealous much?" she asked.

"Of course we are, Spazzy Pants," Kairee soothed.

Spazz smiled benignly, then frowned.

"It's COLD…" Spazz whined, (again) and thwapped Sano's shoulder.

"Giddy-up, pony," she demanded of an incredulous Sano.

He stared at her.

"What?" she asked.

"You want me to be a horse," he stated monotonously.

"Well, I'm not being a pig, so you have to be a pony. GO!"

Sano gave an all-suffering sigh, rose from the water, and stepped onto the dry bank.

As they began to walk back to the dojo, the others were confused as to how to get out of the water.

Kairee solved the dilemma by jumping onto Sozo's head and yelling, "ONWARD, COW!!"

Sozo twitched, but rose to his feet and moved forward nonetheless. The others followed suit. Back at the dojo, they all stood dripping wet, except for Kaoru.

Spazz sighed and Kairee twitched. "It's STILL COLD," Spazz moaned.

Kairee and Spazz looked at each other, then back at the others- or more specifically, Kaoru. They suddenly shook violently in unison, sending water flying in one direction: Kaoru's.

Now that they were sufficiently dry, and Kaoru sufficiently wet, the two girls smiled happily.

"I'm hungry," Kairee announced.

Spazz sighed. "Well, let the good times roll. On to beef-bowl glory!!!!"

AN: Kudos to all of you who caught all of the FOB and MCR lyric fragments in there, because I don't even remember all the references. If you catch anything involving MCR, let me know – it's been years since Kairee and I wrote this.


End file.
